


Up the Downward Spiral

by Skysquid22



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 18x07 episode fic, Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 12:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13007643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skysquid22/pseuds/Skysquid22
Summary: Carisi goes home right after the Cole shooting to heal on his own and not be a bother to anyone. Unfortunately his boyfriend, Rafael, can hint that something is wrong.Prompt:  Post 18x07 angst/comfort fic. That one screengrab of Sonny beginning to cry as the scene ends needs a story!





	Up the Downward Spiral

**Author's Note:**

  * For [booyahfordhamlaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/booyahfordhamlaw/gifts).



> This is a gift to booyahformdhamlaw (let me know if you have a different name for Ao3) as a part of the Barisi Gift Exchange. It's really angsty... 
> 
> Here's the aforementioned screengrab: http://booyahkendell.tumblr.com/post/165695283229/this-is-what-happens-when-you-look-through-screen 
> 
> And a reference as well to read the story, I was inspired. https://cateyeringincup.tumblr.com/post/163868445240/doodlemore-mmm-suspender (The second picture.)

His ears were still ringing and the blood was still wet by the time he willed himself out of the unfinished house. It took awhile for it to stop, but once the headache passed and his mind was clearer he realized that the blood had dried up slightly.

He almost died.

Some cruel intrusive part of him wishes he had or rather convinced him that he did, but he’s still here. Still on the lawn of an unfinished house waiting for the shock to pass completely. Who knows when that will happen though.

Behind him Rollins swoops in like an owl, her eyes full of worry and pity. “Are you okay?” She asks, hushed, even though she knows the answer. 

Carisi blinks and nods at her which seems to be the correct statement because she claps him on the arm and hurries to the cop car where Quinn waits. It hurts him more than he’d like to admit to see her go, but before he could dwell on it long Fin is there too asking if he’s okay. 

“Look man don’t worry about coming into work tomorrow, just go home.” Fin, just like Amanda, is using his victim voice. 

After awhile he finds himself alone. Liv left a while ago, off to talk with Tucker, giving Carisi the promise of not retiring as well as some advice on cops. Carisi vaguely remembers that he thanked her for saving his life and that scares him. That he doesn’t remember if that really happened, that it wasn’t some kind of coping mechanism or another nightmare.

Perhaps he’s in denial. Maybe he never went in that house, maybe this is all a dream, maybe Liv didn’t get there in time and two body bags would leave the house. Maybe he could have ended up like Dodds, shot but still having a body until his mind gives out. As his thoughts turn quicker and quicker, the cloth he used to wipe up blood falls to the leaved ground. Bitter autumn air seems to laugh at him as he falls into a death spiral. 

He has to wait until the crying stops and he’s slightly more okay than he was half an hour ago before he gets up from his seat on a rock and gets into his car. Mourning doves coo at him as he leaves the crime scene and the cold forest. 

The drive back to New York is a lot steadier and calmer than he thought it would be. It’s easier to gain some kind of control in life with driving, which route to take and all that. But soon enough he’s back in the city on his way home wondering what to do next. 

Calling his sisters or his parents is out of the question. His mother would no doubt demand to see him just to pamper him and cause a fuss. Theresa and Gina the same way, maybe he could call Bella? No--she has a child there’s no need to drop in on her family now at this time of the day. It’s sunset and Rollins must be with Jesse at this time. He wasted too many hours wallowing in his own mind waiting for himself to be okay even though he knows he’s not.

Sonny could successfully avoid their calls with a simple text, “talk to u tomorrow?”, but this tactic won’t work for everyone.

Barba definitely won’t buy it. Sonny knows if he happened to contact him then there’s no way he can field that call. A text would be suspicious and would raise red flags. His only chance is to hope that he doesn’t call.

They’ve haven’t been dating for long, 4 months in the grand scheme of things is a pretty short amount of time. It began as some kind of torrid affair, whispered requests between the sheets until they didn’t have too, that’s when Carisi realized that he wore the man down (at least that’s what Barba claims what happened). And now, for the past 4 months they’ve had a fight here or there, occasionally bleeding into work which had a fallout of it’s own, but they’ve been good. 

Rafael has been kind, but never too kind, always turning it around and making cracks at his legal knowledge. But, when it’s not at Carisi expense he’s a funny guy whose life is work and it’s sometimes painfully hard to get him to see otherwise.

If anything, their relationship was more friends with benefits type of thing, only friends is stretching it. More of an established relationship, joking, cooking food, but none of the hard stuff. If it came up, if there was a problem then it would be rocky to overcome it. The only exception to this rule so far was an agreement that Sonny had a boyfriend and his name was Rafael Barba.

No one knew. Which also had it’s fair share of tussles, none of the fights being the one to finally come to a decision.

Revealing the fact he almost died would be too emotionally draining for the ADA, Barba wouldn’t stay for long if he got word of it.

Carisi parked and slinked his way up the stairs. Using the rail as a lifeline he made his way to his apartment and took his time to fish out his frozen keys and unlock his door, but no one had to know that. When he entered the threshold he somehow expected his shoebox of an apartment to be different. Yet there, on the couch was the same spare blanket, same pizza box in the trash, same oven timer blinking 8:53 at him. He might’ve changed but the room hasn’t.

Not bothering to turn on any lights he toed off his shoes and collapsed on the couch. Exhaustion decayed him but before he could fall into comforting (yet restless) sleep his phone buzzed. Maybe he should just ignore it, he’s on the verge of dozing off anyway it’s a decent excuse. On the other hand it could cause the other person on the line to get worried about him and there’s no use for that, he could at least send a text.

Sonny dug out his phone from his jacket and looked at the caller ID, Rafael Barba.

_Shit._

He answers just before it hangs up.

“Sorry about that, was away from the phone momentarily.”

He heard a door close and the shuffle of fabric, “Where are you? Liv looked shaken up and said something about checking up on you. Figured I’d do it for her.” 

He sighed, “It’s alright, um.” Sonny turned every stone in his mind for an excuse to make him go away that wasn’t mean or hurtful. He didn’t find one.

In the silence, while Carisi desperately attempted to find something to stall his boyfriend, Barba caught the strained sound of his voice and said quietly, “Where are you.”

It was a statement, not a question. “I’m at my apartment, look, it’s fine, I’m okay. Cole,” He swallowed. “Cole, held a gun to my head, but Liv got him, I’m safe. I’m okay, I’m okay.”

Barba quickly realized that the longer Sonny talked he was trying to calm himself down, not him. Something was very wrong and the fact he almost got shot, no doubt, had a lot to do with it. 

Of course he didn’t know the full details, “Liv shot him?” He asked. “She wouldn’t---” _shoot him without a reason to. A reason being, that her detective was in mortal danger._

“I’m on my way.”

“No! Don’t!--Do that. Everything’s fine Raf.” His voice broke in both anger and sadness, He probably doesn’t want to be seen in a state of despair or be worried about. Rafael heart ached as he realized what was going on.

Rafael decided the best way to not have him worry was to pretend nothing was wrong. Everything was, but for Sonny’s sake he’ll pretend. “Ahum. Do you want anything to eat?”

Silence and slow labored breathing on the other end of the line.

“I’m not really hungry…” Sonny trialed off, suspicion ebbing at his voice.

“I’ll get some pizza.”

Carisi heard a _click._ and bleep to notify the call ended. 

Internally cursing himself he fell back on the couch. A well of emotion crawls back up from the pit of his stomach and takes hold of his throat, all of a sudden it’s hard to breath. He doesn’t want to cry again, not when Barba could show up any minute, so Carisi jumps up off the sofa and shambles his way to the kitchen. Having a glass of water didn’t help all that much, at least if he was going to cry again he didn’t have to be dehydrated.

Behind him Sonny hears the door unlocking. 

That was fast. How much time had passed? 

Cheeks still red from the cold Barba walks in looking around for Carisi, who slips a little further into the darkness of the kitchen so he can’t see him. Rafael sets down a box of pizza on the counter and goes back to shed both his heavy coat and his jacket from his suit. Now he paces back towards the kitchen in suspenders, swinging his head left and right to try and spot him.

Worry is etched on Barba’s face as he enters the kitchen and turns the light on. Both of them flinch at seeing each other.

Rafael, looking perfect in those light blue suspenders, dark slacks that accent his body perfectly and the thin grey lines of his shirt complement his tie. Flushed under the unforgiving weather, hair a bit mussed from the day. 

Impeccable.

Sonny, on the other hand, was still wearing a blood splattered police jacket and vest. His collar and the frame of his face also had spots of blood on them. Somehow his hair was greyer than ever before. It was softer looking too, though that just might be because the pomade in his hair was losing its grip. 

He looks haunted.

For a minute or a second, he couldn't tell, Barba stood there in silence taking in the evidence splashed across his face and trying to piece together what happened. 

In two short strides he crossed the chasm between them and hugged him. One of Rafael’s arms circled up and hooked Carisi’s head in, so it was beside his face. The other held onto his arm, squeezing, assuring that he was there. Like a snapped wire, Sonny caved in and curled his hands to Barba’s back, his cold shaky fingers becoming interlaced with suspenders. 

They stood there, wrapped around each other. Barba waiting, Sonny beginning to cry and hating himself for not being strong enough to hold in his emotions.

Sonny wasn’t sure what was worse. The immediate aftermath after everyone left in the forest, to cry and doubt himself, waiting until he was marginally better. Or, now, as Rafael held on and whispered encouragements as his detective fell apart in his arms. At least then, at Cole’s house, he didn’t have an audience. 

“It’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe.” The mantra murmured in ear went around and around until it became fact. 

That’s when he stopped crying and his sobs gradually got softer and quieter. 

Barba swayed a bit when he started to rub his back, Carisi dropped his hands to his hips in return. Ever so slowly, Sonny leaned back and started to furiously wipe at his eyes, desperate to get rid of tear stains and his red puffy cheeks. Looking down at Barba’s collar he could see a wet spot from where he sobbed.

This was way too much even for him.

“L-Look. You sh-should probably go…” Carisi shaked and wavered, his own voice unable to handle all the emotion.

“I’m sorry?”

“You really don’t want to see me at the moment, I mean. I just cried into your shirt, I’m sorry.” He stepped back into the counter, flinching at the impact. 

Barba let his hands drop. “Sonny… Let me be here for you.” He reached up to his hairline, examining the stale maroon line of another man's blood on his forehead. “Let me help.” 

He didn’t have the energy for it all. To try and preserve his pride for this long was taxing to his body, all he felt like doing was falling asleep in his bed for years. But, that wasn’t going to happen, so for now he’ll follow Barba’s instruction. 

Leading him by his lower back, Rafael walked him to the master bath. There he wet a rag and went to work erasing the evidence. He got the majority of the blood off from his face, but some of it was still stained on Carisi’s clothing. Quickly he pushed his coat off and then asked, “I think you might benefit from a shower, just enjoy it as much as you can. I’ll take these and get them washed for you, alright?”

It felt like forever since Carisi last smiled, in fact it hurt, “Okay. Thank you.” 

As Barba got to work on his other articles of clothing, Sonny took a closer look at Barba. He seemed focused and determined, above all that though was a soft look in his eye. Once his bloodied buttoned shirt came off and he stood there cold under the florescent light Carisi caught his eye. Both smiled, but each differently. 

Rafael was wistful. “If it’s not too much trouble, could I stay? I don’t think you’d---”

Carisi interrupted him. “Please.”

He nods and takes the stained clothes and exits the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Sonny gets the water scalding when he steps in the shower, to the point where he can already see the red raw spots on his back and arms. 

Carisi contemplates the past… well, how ever long Barba’s been there. Honestly he has no idea how much time has passed, it could be the next day for all he knows. But, back to Barba.

Sonny’s never seen this side of him before. Softer than he’s ever witnessed, quieter too. Calm and understanding as always when he needed it on occasion. Carisi remembers after the death threats had passed, how Barba was back to his normal self. Not the self destructive version of him that no longer cared for anything let alone a relationship. 

He’s a lot better now. Perhaps not as before, but Sonny has gotten used to it. He loves the man who got him pizza tonight even more than he did when he was falling for him a year ago. Once Barba got better though, Carisi got worse.

Dodds’ death held delayed grief. It it him suddenly and he lashed out due to it. Carisi may never get over the loss, but at the time he saw Rafael be kinder than he’d ever seen. He understood and comforted him though as much as he could.

As Sonny stands under burning hot spray that carries away any blood that Barba missed he wonders how he’s going to get through this trauma. Watching a man die and fall to the ground while you try and blink away his blood from your eyes is a thing you can’t forget. Sadly he knows that it’s going to be tough for Rafael and there’s no reason for him to stay and deal with all this agony. Carisi will take his pain and talk out, though God or a therapist, not the him. Barba doesn’t deserve that.

He towels off and discovers the rest of his clothes are gone, replaced with a pair of his sweatpants and a threadbare T-Shirt. Carisi puts them on and steps out in search of Barba, he finds him in the kitchen wearing his clothes. Sonny wasn’t spotted though, his boyfriend seemed intent on cleaning up the place, putting the pizza in the fridge, folding up a blanket or two that was left out, and tidying up some papers on the counter. 

Rafael stopped abruptly once they made eye contact. The ADA looked… defeated, which was a look Sonny had never seen before. He walked over and led Carisi once more to the bedroom where they crawled underneath the covers and curled around each other like they needed each other to survive.

Sonny knows he can’t do this. It’s better to break it off now before it gets any worse, it’s already terrible now how will he feel tomorrow or the next day or the day after that when he can’t get over this? Carisi knows this isn’t going away anytime soon. 

He opens his mouth to say so into Barba’s chest, but the words die on his tongue. He can’t do it. 

Rafael may think the fresh tears are from early from today, but the reality is that he’s crying himself to sleep from his own cowardliness. 

\--

When Carisi wakes up the room is still just as dark as he went to sleep and they’re still in the same cuddled position with a few changes. For one Rafael has his face smooshed in his hair. Meanwhile, Sonny was sleeping terribly. No drastic nightmares yet, only a reel of the same scene over and over again when he did fall asleep and not fall in and out of consciousness. 

_“It doesn’t have to end like this.”_

_“It’s too late for that.”_

The ringing in his ears returns, as well as the cold feeling of autumn. He hugs Barba tighter. 

Before his mind circles and spins once more, he hears a faint whisper from Rafael.

“I love you.”

What? Carisi wants to demand an explanation; this is nothing he wants why would he love him? But his thoughts are cut off as Rafael continues. 

“I don’t think you realize how important you are for me. To me. In one of the lowest points of my life you held me up and supported me even though you didn’t have to. Even though it was ugly and horrible, you still were there.

“Why didn’t you leave? No one should be put through the emotional wringer like that and you weren’t even the one that was majorly affected.”

He pauses breathing heavily, his heart’s beating fast.

“I realized why today. You’re in love with me and I was too much of a fool to see it then. Even though, looking back on it, it’s as plain as can be. Thank you for putting up with me, I probably don’t deserve it. So if you’re in any similar situation to me as I was then, well I want to let you know that I’m here. I love you and always will. We’ll get through this together, I’m here for it all, to support you and make sure you don’t fall into the pit I’ve inhabited for so long.”

One of Rafael’s hands leave Sonny’s back and make it’s way to rest lightly on Carisi’s clammy cheek. “I should probably tell you all of this when you’re awake, huh?”

Sonny smiled again and couldn’t help the flow of tears, god he’s an emotional mess. Rafael must’ve felt the tears because he started to wipe them away with his thumb and kiss his sleep tousled hair. 

“Thank you.” Sonny whispers back.

“For what exactly?” Barba questions, a little louder now since he realizes that his love is awake.

“For knowing how I feel. For loving me. For being here, even though you don’t have to or maybe you don’t want to.”

“I want to be with you, through thick and thin I’ll be here to help. Just as you did to me.”


End file.
